Pondering

I am sitting in a comfortable seat in a coffee shop, people talking around me, not to loud, but enough that I can catch certain words. Two old men, old friends, sitting by the window the tall one has his legs crossed and the sun is hitting half of his face as he explains the last 20 or so years of his life. An older woman and her possible daughter sit across from me. The woman knitting and her daughter reading the paper, the sun too casting shadows against crinkled clothes. The girl next to me is bobbing her leg fiercely as she has too much coffee in her system and sitting in between two men around her age makes her nervous. Her mind is reading the book, but her thoughts are all over the place, trying to remember if everything is alright with her current state. She crosses her legs the other way, she is comfortable now, and the bobbing comes in spurts, shes becoming more comfortable, and begining to enjoy the book she is reading, her foot bends back as se takes a sip of coffee, she is finally all right with who she is, and her foot starts to bob in the opposite direction, she doesn't even notice us guys are around.

I sit here pondering, I've thought and remembered the past few days that I love to think. I love to sit in silence and let my brain run wild. It helps clear my head. I've noticed in the past four years or so I've begun to stop letting it wonder, and I've noticed that with that lack of wondering, i am beginning to lack creativity. While keeping everything in my head that should be out and let the rest get through, it bottle necks and I lose the ability to think freely and with fluidity, everything feels forced. Everything from prayer to conversation, I have brief moments of clarity, and yet sooner or later I fall silent and just listen, as I have nothing really intelligent or at least outside the box, to say.

I've begun to write a story, forcing things out, it is about my grandmother. It is a sort of comedy. So far it is about 3 pages, I'll keep forcing it and see how it ends up.

I've been thinking of my friends lately. How they are spread all over the place, how some have begun to fade in my life, and others just dawning. I realize that I love new people, I love getting to know people. I realize I may heal, but I'll never forget. I might go on, but I'll always have them with me.

I may go to Chicago this weekend, be about an 8hr drive. My brother is going alone, and I want to give him some company, we'll see what he thinks.